Technical Itch
twitter.com/jeeztrev:
私はこのような状況を嫌う
Omg I folded this picture of Nicki Minaj and I couldn’t stop laughing omg
It’s strange sitting here, looking at screen names of the people I used to consider close to me.
From this perspective, they’re nothing more than names on a page. I could click and engage in conversation, but what good would that do? It wouldn’t. It would cause me pain. It would cause them pain. It wouldn’t be constructive in any sense. And yet, I feel such a yearning to speak with them. To know how they’re doing. To know where they are in this life. To know that some how, our lack of communication is benefitting them in some way. Because if it weren’t, this bout of silence would be for nothing. It would be as meaningless as us pretending the other doesn’t exist. I’m tired of it.
Two people I love, still to this day, do not want anything to do with me. In part because of one another, mostly because of my own actions. I’ve screwed up in the past. I am young. I am immature. I am not perfect. Yet I was still judged on a maturity level that did not match myself. And I take full responsibility for it. I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up royally. And in turn have single handedly ruined my life.
I was thinking back yesterday. Back to a time when I first started experiencing the world. And let me tell you. I was crying by the end of the night. Bawling my eyes out because I was sickened to the point of stomach convulsions at the things I had done. I’ve been through too much. I’ve allowed too much to happen. This is all me. I have no one to blame but myself. I know right and wrong as much as the next Ghandi, but fuck if I do anything to permit or defect it from happening.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I can’t live with the things I’ve done. Yet here I am. Enjoying the finer things in life, not paying mind to the misdeeds I’ve endured in years past. How pathetic am I? That’s all it comes down to. Shame, hatred, embarrassment. I’m nothing. I’m worthless. I’ve experienced the worst, and made others experienced my pain as only I knew how to. It’s going to happen again. I can feel it. And Soon.
A wise man once said “Another one bites the dust.” I’m doomed of a life that I cannot enjoy. A life I find no pleasure, though I’m surrounded by what most would call “luxuries”. And yet, I find no enjoyment in them. My friends, my family, my belongings, none of it could equate to the people I’ve hurt and those I’ve lost along the way.
Maybe this is my punishment. Given the finer things, and not being able to enjoy them because only I know my secrets. Only I know the truth. And god forbid anyone else know, because my life as I know it would end. This is my curse. This is the life I have chosen.
It’s like a college GPA. If you fuck yourself over freshman year, good luck getting into grad school. Fuck yourself over as an 18 year old, pay for it royally when you’re 22. Our lives are pathetic. This country is pathetic. Every aspect is petty. Nothing matters. This universe. Who we think we are according to cultural norms and identities. We’re a speck of floating dust in a universe a size we can’t even comprehend. And you expect me to try and matter? When I die, my body with turn into compost, and the nutrients from me will give birth to more life. Fueling a cycle that has been continuing for millennia. I’m not different. You’re no different.
This ends tonight.
I’m long overdue for some good old fashion hurt. And I think I feel it coming on like a locomotive running the tracks.
I feel like I’m wasting my time with school. I went up to Santa Clara University last weekend to see my best friend Nico perform with her chamber choir a piece she had composed in it’s entirety. What the fuck? Why am I not feeling that passionate about school anymore? So I’m done. If I’m going to be here and if I’m going to be paying for it long after I graduate, I sure as shit better do the best fucking job I can.
Tired of feeling like my tests are all failures, even though I don’t give myself enough credit and end up surprising myself with results. I’m tired of thinking I don’t know the material and I’m getting nothing out of a class I spend 3 hours of my week in and another 3 doing homework for. So here it is. Me officially saying school is my top priority. Not work. Not weed. Not friends. School is number 1, and I’m sticking to it.
Next time you hear from me, you best fucking believe I’m going to be some body.
This whole you and I not being friends is tearing me apart. Literally every fiber of my goddamn being is being forcibly torn apart because I no longer talk to you. I cant even begin to describe how you are and were the center of my entire fucking universe. You knew me better than anyone else did. Than any one that still does. You are the yin to my yang and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You complete me in a way that reassures me that I’m doing what is right. You’re not here with me and I don’t know what to do. You were my rock, you were my shoulder, and now I can’t even say hello to you. It’s all my fault is the worst part. It’s all my goddamn sad ass fault. I lost you because I took you for granted. Because im a self centered ass hole. And I lost the greatest thing in my life aside from my mother (and I know that you agree). Fuck. Please come back to me.
Anyone who’s going to be in Vegas for NYE is in for a treat…
i hate everyone who is 21+
Uh hum, WHAT?! Please count me in.
(via escapistpleasures)
This is for anon: the most recent photo of me.
Did I unknowingly follow you… or did this happen long ago and I just forgot about it…
